lapis

Tsundoku: “buying books and not reading them.” 積ん読

On Valentine’s Day, I woke up to the news that Yoshitaka Murayama of Genso Suikoden fame, writer of the upcoming Eiyuden Chronicle game, to name only two of his accomplishments, died last week, due to “complications with an ongoing illness” (Project Update 70 from Rabbit & Bear Studio).

I hope at the least, he was not in pain when he went.

I'm sure fans are happy to know he had completed writing of Eiyuden Chronicle before he passed.

I put on some Suikoden music thinking to honor him, and as soon as I hit a remix of “La mia tristezza”, I started crying.

Now, of course any artist (of high or low art, regardless of medium) dying is sad. I'm sure every death in the world is mourned by someone, whether or not they created or if you feel they deserve to be mourned, to use an example like Kissinger.

But, and this may be obvious, when someone dies, you really feel the sense of transience for every living thing.

When an artist dies (or a lighter example, a band breaks up with irreconcilable differences) the Finiteness strikes me. Like, yes, I am mortal, I can only produce Finite amounts of art, but while I am alive, it feels infinite. I'm certain it would feel different if I discovered I had a terminal disease.

And I feel that infinity with most art I experience. Until something happens that reminds me that life is short.

It's not like I've played all of Murayama's games. I haven't even gotten the good ending on Suikoden II yet. And of course Eiyuden Chronicle is coming out in a couple months, I will play through that and Eiyuden Chronicle: Rising really trying to absorb the story.

While I am sad, there is something I remember from the first book of Shusterman's Arc of a Scythe series, where the two protagonists are in a museum, looking at the art from the Mortal Era, and the art from their current, virtually immortal time, and it's clear the art from the Mortal Era is more moving, possibly because the artists had to contend with mortality (and poverty, and war, and so on). Maybe that is worth dwelling on.

Feel free to at me on the Fediverse, please provide context though.

@lapis@booktoot.club

@lapis@bookwyrm.social

Things have been hectic, as I'm sure y'all have guessed. I'm going to use this to reflect on the end of the year, as I'm doubtful putting out a year-end roundup would be particularly interesting.

Let's start with games!

Games

October

Silent Hope came out. It's not that I hate it, I quite like it, in fact, but I got distracted by many other games so I haven't gotten super far. It was around this time I had a discussion with some friends about what ”Cozy“ or ”Relaxing“ games are. To keep this short: basically my favorite thing to do with games is to listen to podcasts while playing them, and not be deeply focusing on the games. This means I don't pay as much attention to the music, sadly, but it's a great way to relax. Silent Hope is great for this.

I of course started Umineko Episode 4 but I'm going to discuss that more in December.

I think I mentioned this before, but I got into Honkai: Star Rail partially as some first-hand research into Gachas, but I genuinely enjoy it (might help I haven't tried to pull for anything yet). I have to try some other Gachas for my research, but I have yet to do that. Maybe in 2024.

I've been playing some My Time At Portia. Quite like it.

Moonstone Island: I still love thee. I haven't finished the first year yet, but there's no rush.

November

So I was super excited (as I love time-loops) for the game In Stars and Time to come out. I did play it (though I haven't beaten it yet) when it came out, but I also wanted to play the (optional) prequel Start Again: A Prologue. As you may expect from a time-loop game, this is depressing at times (it hasn't gotten there yet, but I assume In Stars and Time will get to this point as well) and there's some self-harm. So while I absolutely recommend both games, make sure you're in a good place mentally when playing.

December

December was largely about hauling ass to finish Umineko episode 4. In case I hadn't made it clear, I had played most of the Umineko series before it was officially licensed, back when it was a fan translation. I have beaten Episode 4 at least twice years ago. But regardless, Episode 4 still emotionally destroys me. When I cleared all of it yesterday (December 30th) I was devastated and just listened to Discode on repeat.

There was also Pokemon. My brother wanted to make sure I cleared The Teal Mask before The Indigo Disk DLC came out. So I did work on that. I intend to at least get close to clearing Indigo Disk before the epilogue in January comes out.

Things I'd Like to Work on (Game-wise)

Other than some important games ( Hades II, Suikoden I & II and Eiyuden Chronicle ) that are coming out next year that I absolutely want to play, I think I want to beat at least one game from my backlog in the coming year. That should probably be Xenoblade Chronicles but I have many things I have half-finished, as has been clear from prior posts. Also, since Eiyuden Chronicle is coming out, I want to get back to Eiyuden Chronicle: Rising and beat that.

And of course, I want to finish all of Umineko Chiru / The Answer arc. I have to emotionally destroy my soul in 2024, I promised!

Books

October

I finished A Wizard's Guide to Defensive Baking. I wish I had read this sooner, it's wonderful. Virtually everything else in October was a graphic novel, and overall I think I read less than usual.

November

In November, Dracula Daily ended (again), and of course, that meant Re: Dracula (the podcast audio drama version) ended as well. I cannot state how much I loved this. I may have to add an audio drama section to this report next year, because Re: Dracula got me really into listening to audio drama podcasts.

I also (finally) finished A Conjuring of Light, the final book in the Shades of Magic trilogy by V.E. Schwab. Apparently there's a new series taking place in the same world that just released.

And comics, once more.

December

In December I finally noticed I was in a book slump and needed a break from comics. Ironically, I started reading a buttload of comics this year because I was in a book slump from Young Adult fiction. This month, I've tried a little nonfiction and a little literature. I highly recommend Idol, Burning by Rin Usami. It's a good read, plus it's a novella so it doesn't take as long to read.

Finally, my hold on Bookshops & Bonedust as well, and that was a wonderful treat.

Things I'd like to work on (Books edition)

It's not like I need to read hundreds of books in a year. But I love reading, and I'd like to figure out what to read that will resonate with me. Right now, it appears to be literature (especially Japanese literature). But who knows what the new year will hold. Maybe I'll just ask people to tell me what to read.

I enjoy doing these reports, so I plan to continue this practice next year.

Feel free to at me on the Fediverse, please provide context though.

@lapis@booktoot.club

@lapis@bookwyrm.social

As you may have guessed from the title: I still think it’s a good idea to have these quarterly reflections. I have improved on writing down when I play/read/watch/start/finish something. Sometimes it takes a few days before I remember to add it to the Hobonichi Cousin, but I’ve gotten a lot better about remembering, probably because it’s become a habit. Though personally? I’d still like Nintendo and Steam to give me more data, and not just at the end of the year. Maybe they will read this blog and go “you know what? That’s an excellent idea from a genius writer and we’re giving them free games (and localizing Mother 3) as a result”. I can dream, can’t I?

Anyway, there's a decent amount here, let's start with games, like last time.

Games

July

A great month for Cozy Games. Story of Seasons: A Wonderful Life came out, and while I petered out playing it, I can confirm: If you buy the goat, it will not run out of milk: no more justification for murdering the goat!

Atelier Marie Remake came out, and you can bet as someone who played the Atelier series since they first came here, I was quite excited, I had always wanted to play this one. I decided to do an unlimited time run file. As you may expect, there are still annual events, they just recur however many times per year. Which is my current problem. I need Dunkelheits. Information in game seems to indicate they show up during an annual eclipse, and I’m so worried about spacing out (I tend to space out playing Cozy Games) and missing the Dunkelheit and having to wait another year. So it’s on hold until I’m “Ready”, whenever that is.

A new friend introduced me to Moonlighter, which is another game I can just put on a podcast to and relax. This is oddly specific and so Steam cannot help me with a dynamic list. I will have to come up with “lapis’ podcast and play” curated game list at some other point.

As you may have guessed, in July, I beat my first run of I Was a Teenage Exocolonist. I was so happy to start it again, so eager to right my wrongs. So far two less people have died. Though I have failed at preventing at least one death so far. I think I know how to avoid it next time.

I did in fact start Umineko: Episode 3 in July, and it took me until today (September 30th) to clear it. Not much to report, just picking up details I missed the first time around.

August

I learned about the existence of MOTHER: Encore. It’s basically a fan reimagining of the original, with sprites more like Earthbound and MOTHER 3, and some added functionality. I want to be clear. I LOVE the original MOTHER / EarthBound: Beginnings. Maybe it’s because I’ve played EarthBound / MOTHER 2 since before I can remember but collecting eight melodies holds a special place in my heart, despite all the bullshit and balancing issues the original game has. I played a bit of the demo, but I very much want to wait for the full game. A friend of mine, who has studied when Nintendo C&Ds something, is more optimistic than I that this will be made. Supposedly Nintendo’s C&Ds are entirely about Brand Confusion, so if they C&D’d this, it would indicate they probably did want to remake the first game. But anyway, you should check it out here.

I also did a bit of Honkai: Star Rail which I will insist is for a project I’m working on and not because I find March 7th really adorable. I have to check out some other Gachas for this project, and I haven’t progressed super far in the game yet.

I also did a bit of the Pokemon Scarlet postgame to make sure I was ready for the DLC.

September

Discovered a bunch of cool stuff this month. I started playing My Time At Portia at someone’s recommendation. Not much to say other than that I like it and should get back to it.

As you may know, Part 1 of the Pokemon Scarlet / Violet DLC came out, The Teal Mask. (Minor, vague spoilers for the main game and a bit of the DLC follow, skip ahead to Moonstone Island to skip it)

I don’t know if you have to have beaten the game to start it. Level-wise, I would say “yes”, but so far (and admittedly I’m not super-far in) I feel like it’s really mean to give Kieran a complex about how much he sucks at fighting you when you’re Champion-ranked. Like, this was Nemona’s character-arc, that she started holding back because she’s the only one that likes losing (and then she met you, and you let her go all out). I really hope it comes up, because as fun as it is to “bully” Kieran, it does feel really mean, he’s gonna need therapy at this rate.

Moonstone Island came out and I love this game so far. I think the reason some people don’t is they think it will just be another farming sim. So far the farming elements, while necessary, are light. I honestly wouldn’t mention the farming elements when pitching this game to someone. Say that the map is randomly generated after you complete the tutorial (which I suspect will lead to more replayability), and that while it seems to have less unique dialogue than a Rune Factory or Stardew Valley, I actually like how conversing works: you get a brief line, and then the option of Chatting, Joking, or Flirting with the person. These have different success rates and rewards (and presumably flirting is a requirement for dating someone). That’s right, you can make someone’s affection go down by picking “chat” and having poor luck. Also I like the battle system a lot, honestly: more than Stardew Valley’s.

A friend urged me to try the Silent Hope Demo that Marvelous / XSeed released. I love the system of time for crafting or other activities, and being able to switch characters (and getting a buff) in the dungeon. I’m quite looking forward to this game.

Things I'd Like to Work on (Game-wise)

I really need to get back to Xenoblade Chronicles I. It's like Eiyuden Chronicle and the Suikoden I & II remake delays were made specifically for me, but surprising probably no one that read this, I am really bad at staying on task and finishing games in a timely manner. At least I managed to clear I was a Teenage Exocolonist once... Unfortunately XBC will probably be delayed while I play Cozy Games. I will keep on top of Umineko Ep 4 though!

Books

July

I didn't write a review of it, but I wanted to highlight The Remarkable Retirement of Edna Fisher by E. M. Anderson. This time the Chosen One hails from a Retirement Home. While there are sad and brutal parts of this book (it does not glorify them but it does not shy away from it, this book is basically “Trauma: A Fantasy Novel”) it is gentle and loving and I LOVE this book. Please buy it or request it from your library, the author deserves to do well.

I started Kimi no Todoke: From Me to You because my library got it in digitally. Unfortunately, though I checked out volume 16, it never showed up on my kobo (this apparently has something to do with updating files, but I have no idea what the issue is, but it made me sad because I really like the manga).

August

I caught up on Delicious in Dungeon / _Dungeon Meshi English Graphic Novel releases. The manga reached its conclusion the following month and you bet I read those chapters.

I finished reading What You Will: A Queer-er Shakespeare. You can see my review here. Jess Mahler, as always, does quite nice work, and I know in future writings, if I have a character transition during the story, this will be one of the books I study to make sure I do a good job.

I got through A Darker Shade of Magic and A Gathering of Shadows during August, and the corresponding videos. As of writing I have about 20% of the final book left.

Because of the new zine, Madison, I reread all of Ngozi Ukazu's Check, Please! and Huddle! comics and zines respectively. I'm pretty sure it's not a MLM story, but I'm quite looking forward to her Graphic Novel Bunt! to be published in 2024.

People had been nagging me to read The God of Arepo and since I had a copy of it I finally did. I uh, see what the fuss is about (Yes I cried), and I'm glad it won an Ignatz. Reimena Yee is not responsible for the original story, but she does excellent art. She also made the Graphic Novel My Aunt is a Monster which I also happened to read this August. Solid work.

September

Less was read this month (besides trying my hardest to get through A Conjuring of Light). I read the comic Coven (Jennifer Dugan, Kit Seaton) and it was nice. My hold for My Brain is Different (MONZUSU) came in, and it was a great look at ADHD, Autism, and other such Neurodiversities in Japan. I recommend it (but it's a heavy book, dealing with bullying and suicide a lot. Take care while reading).

Around the same time I also checked out Shino Can’t Say Her Name (Shuzo Oshimi) and it was an interesting one. While not an anthology like the above, it is also only one volume. I recommend it.

Things I'd Like to Work on (Book-wise)

I absolutely want to finish A Conjuring of Light. I'm hoping if I'm lucky, once I do, my hold on R. F. Kuang's Babel will come back in and I can finish that as well. That new book written by Bill Watterson of Calvin and Hobbes fame, The Mysteries is coming out in October along with a bunch of other comics. There's another Nagata Kabi book coming out in November (and a new version of My Lesbian Experience With Loneliness if you haven't picked that up yet) so I'm excited about that.

I really want to get back to Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation: Mo Dao Zu Shi as well. It's my first Danmei as well as first Xianxia, so I think maybe rereading volume 1 is in order. I know I can grasp this stuff. I mean, I was certainly able to grasp a bunch of random facts about Japan I inhaled from manga in my peak Weeb period. Just because this is new doesn't mean it's impossible.

Things I'd Like to Work on (In General)

I joined an ASL class. I'm quite happy, I've been wanting to learn ASL especially in case I have another period where I go silent for whatever reason. But it's a really cool language and I'm loving what I've learned of the grammar so far. Wish me luck!

I've mentioned on Mastodon and Discord repeatedly that I plan on spending October improving my handwriting—not just for legibility, I think if I find a better position and grip it will help with my hand pain somewhat. I'm hoping to have something to report regarding that. I would love it if anyone else wanted to join in a 30-day (31st is for make ups and reflection) challenge of their own, it doesn't have to be handwriting.

I plan to do this again in December, possibly with an Annual Round-up too. I hope I will write a blog post or two before then though!

Feel free to at me on the Fediverse, please provide context though.

@lapis@booktoot.club

@lapis@bookwyrm.social

I felt it would be good to reflect on how I've spent my time. It's true, I came up with this idea in June, not January. And I discovered a couple problems.

  • In my Hobonichi Cousin I tend to write down “Read” instead of specifying what I read.
  • Nintendo doesn't give you an easy to read screen about when you played something.
  • Steam only does so the first time you play something and when you get an achievement, though at least in the recent game section it specifies which month.

Anyway, doing research ( looking through chat logs, scanning my planner for the few times I did specify something, and checking book social media like BookWyrm ) I found a few things.

This is not an exhaustive list. I have been reading a lot of books and I'm only going to mention a few of them, for example. I'm also going to give a bit of a reflection.

Let's start with games!

Games

April

I played a lot of Harvestella and got burnt out on it. Like with Rune Factory 5 (Which I also haven't beaten) I like the farming so much I tend to focus on it instead of the story. Also fun Harvestella Fact: Because my brain is poisoned by EXA=PICO, there's a not-insignificant amount of times I've typed ”Harvestasya“ instead of ”Harvestella“.

I played more I Was A Teenage Exocolonist and I'm Extremely close to finishing my first play-through but I don't know if it's the ADHD or what, but I'm procrastinating because I don't want it to end despite knowing I will play through it more times.

I also finally cleared the Hades Epilogue. It's still one of my favorite games, and I'm definitely gonna start another file at some point, probably to help me get hyped for Hades II.

I happened to see the Volcano Princess Demo and gave it a try. Yes, I did notice the English translation wasn't the best, but it was functional, and I really liked the concept. I have not played the full game yet, but they claim they're going to improve the English translation among other fixes, so I'm in no rush.

May

While I played APICO before this, May was when I played some and elected to take a break, since updates are still coming.

I Got back to (for a brief moment) Xenoblade Chronicles I. I had to have someone remind me what was going on, but I grasped it . I then angrily put it down because I learned this whole time I could have been improving party members' relationships by exchanging GIFTS not just fighting together and doing quests together. I had been building Sharla and Melia's relationship for at least 10 hours, and it would have gone so much faster if I'd known about the gift stuff. I will get back to it. I like the game (despite that) and my brother agreed to play Hades if I played this, and he beat it completely, so I gotta do my part, fair's fair.

I happened to get Bad End Theater.. It's a short visual novel about choices and how the story plays out with 4 different characters .If you complete all of a character's bad endings, you get a letter. You can beat the game without it (you just need to see each character's ”True End“ to proceed to the end game) but you unlock the uh, True True Ending if you get and read all the letters. When I explained the concept to my brother, he said it sounded a bit like Triangle Strategy but I haven't played that yet so I have no idea.

One of my goals for this year has been to get through all four episodes of the Umineko no Naku Koro ni Question Arc. When Umineko was first released years ago (pre-Steam I mean), I got through Episode 7 and stopped. I regret that. I want to play through all of it, but frankly, with the fact that clearing Episode 1 took over 20 hours and the total word count of the series is longer than War and Peace I think 4 episodes is a good limit for now. I was hoping to do one episode every 3 months, but as you can see by the fact I' m mentioning Episode 1 in May I did not manage that. While I have not beaten Episode 2 yet as of writing this, I think I can manage to before June's over.

Also in May, I beat Pokemon Scarlet. While Gen V remains my favorite, this is a close second. I took a break from it soon after and I have not done the post game contents.

June

Other than Umineko I got back into Animal Crossing for a change of pace, and I also played a little Let's Build a Zoo.

Things I'd like to work on (Games Edition)
  • Beating my first run of I was a Teenage Exocolonist. Maybe I just need an accountability buddy.
  • Getting back to Xenoblade Chronicles I now that I'm no longer nearly as angry as I was
  • Getting back to Harvestella and Rune Factory 5. This is probably not realistic as Story of Seasons: A Wonderful Life is coming out soon, so unless I really hate it I'll probably focus on that instead.
  • Keeping up the pace with the Umineko episodes.
  • Trying new stuff and demos I get on steam more often.

Books

April

I am poisoned by The Locked Tomb. It took me months to get through Gideon the Ninth, and to be honest it probably helped that I was propelled forward both by enthusiasts and enthusiasts sharing spoilers. Harrow the Ninth was excellent and I want to read it again. I have read Nona the Ninth and I did like it, but the whole time I was like ”I wanna read Harrow again....”

If you follow me on BookWyrm or Storygraph you've probably noticed the majority of my reading this year has been comics and manga. It's just what my soul calls for. Anyway, I discovered this graphic novel series Fence. And I don't know if you know this about me: Despite the fact I can't stand to watch sports, I love reading sports memoirs. And evidently that extends to fiction. Especially really gay fiction! Like, I've read all five volumes (and I desperately need more) but the series started out pretty queer, and has somehow only gotten queerer with each volume which I didn't know was possible!

I signed up for a Substack book club for the 1818 edition of Frankenstein and then became afraid of my inbox and ignored it until April. I read all of it though.

I also started in on my Substack subscription to Periodic Pride and Prejudice.

While spring cleaning, I started (I'm not finished) reorganizing the bookshelves, and I rediscovered Vinland Saga. It's so good and I'm sorry I got away from it.

May

I read Belle of the Ball, which was great. I've been a fan of the author's webcomic Peritale (which I miss very much). Read Belle of the Ball and read Life of Melody!

A friend online recommended I read the manga Delicious in Dungeon. I love it so far, I'm waiting for the library to place more of them on hold.

Feeling left out after ignoring it last year, I started Dracula Daily. I worry a lot about my good friend Jonathan Harker. Also, I must say, if you haven't listened to the podcast Re: Dracula that follows the same release schedule, you have to listen to it. Every time there's an email from Jonathan Harker's Journal (Kept in Shorthand) I read that first, having gotten to the point where I can hear Ben Galpin narrate in my head, and then I listen to the episode, and go “Wow I sure do love the cast of this.“

June

As a new member of Jess Mahler's street team, I read and reviewed my free copy of First Came Trust. I'm really excited for some future releases.

My hold on All Systems Red (the MurderBot Diaries 1) came in. It took me a bit of time to warm up to it, but I'm a fan.

I finally got to start The Remarkable Retirement of Edna Fisher, and I love it so far. It's about an Octogenarian Chosen One.

Things I'd like to work on (Books edition)

I Started R. F. Kuang's book Babel months ago, I loved what I read, but I could not finish it before the library wanted it back. So I placed another hold and am Semi-Patiently waiting.

My hold on The Long Way To A Small Angry Planet came in. I haven't started it yet, but I better start it soon, if I don't finish it I will have to wait another eternity to read it again.

Because I got away from the third book, and the fact V.E. Schwab is doing a read-along on Youtube, I really want to get back into Shades of Magic.

Things I'd like to Work on (In General)

This may be obvious, but I'd like to get more specific in my Planner. Maybe I don't have to note when I finish a book, but I should at least note What I'm reading or playing.

I think I'd like to do more quarterly roundups.

So, (hopefully) see you again with this in September!

Feel free to at me on the Fediverse, please provide context though.

@lapis@booktoot.club

@lapis@bookwyrm.social

A few days ago I asked my brother if by any chance anyone had managed to save my late-grandmother's Dill Soup recipe despite the fact I hated that damn soup. The answer (other than bewilderment at me caring) was “not really, Grandma didn't have a standard recipe.“ It sounds like attempts were made but none succeeded.

A few years ago, early in the COVID Pandemic, my maternal grandmother died. She was the last remaining grandparent I had. I don't believe it was due to COVID or the flu, I think it was natural causes.

Around 2017, I started bullet journaling. While I currently don't BuJo; right now I'm a Hobonichi Cousin planner addict, I've come to see the value in charting things. You think this would have occurred to me as soon as I started having ECTs but no, unfortunately, it took a few years. I am not always good at adding in details (I usually refrain from mentioning books because I chart those on BookWyrm and Storygraph) . I still like to think I'm helping future historians, whether they're human or alien. I do hope they don't write me down as straight though. That'd really piss me off. These three paragraphs are related, though not through direct causation.

I didn't care much for my maternal grandmother (I believe she is, in no small part, one of the reasons my mother is the way she is), but I still mourned her, despite the lack of positive memories. The closest I get is memories of making rosaries for the church (she always had me cover the knots in a layer of clear nail polish).

While I did grieve her loss, I more grieved the implications. The loss of information. The loss of Institutional Knowledge. It was something I had started caring about by the time I started Bullet Journaling, but unfortunately, by that point she had dementia, and I was told not to bother asking her questions about the past. Regardless, I wish I had asked.

What? What does that have to do with anything, you may ask.

My Paternal side is German, my Maternal side is Czech. I'm pretty sure my Dad's family didn't know German unless they learned it in school; they most definitely didn't celebrate German traditions and I suspect part of that was wanting to keep a low profile during World War II. There's another part I suspect, and I'll get to it in a bit.

On my Mother's side, my Grandmother and Grandfather knew Czech, but deliberately did not teach it to their children. Apparently this was because it made talking behind a child's back right in front of them quite easy. There are no dishes I remember (at least Wikipedia doesn't indicate anything about Dill Soup) from my time with my grandmother that I can find to be traditionally Czech: at least, as far as I know, serving Maruchan ramen noodle bricks doesn't seem to have originated in Europe. I don't believe I've ever had a koláč, let alone enough to turn into the plural kolache.

We have documents from her childhood that we cannot read, we think they're in Czech, we think they're religious, but that's about all we know. Admittedly, we could solve this by taking the time to learn Czech, and I've certainly toyed with the idea. But what about the broken chain of information? There seems to be no way to solve that. I suppose genealogical websites may help to some degree, but I don't want to give my DNA or other family members that haven't consented's information to third parties, just to be told “Hey you're Czech and German!!!” In short, to me, the chain of information is staying broken.

Why would both sides ignore their cultural traditions? To be honest, while I think this could be an essay in and of itself, I don't think I'm the person who can do it justice, regardless, I would feel dishonest if I did not donate at least a little space to it. But in short: I think it was the allure of Becoming White. Why do things that make you stand out as foreign, as an immigrant, when you can assimilate? Admittedly neither side became any flavor of Protestant, but I think both families successfully became white. I don't think I have to belabor the point anymore. I'm certain other, more qualified people have pointed this out more eloquently.

I personally don't think it was worth it, but I'm more an academic type, though perhaps a little lazy. The only reason I didn't minor in History in Undergraduate was that I didn't want to write a thesis. But to be honest: it's mostly my Anthropology degree that makes me feel links to the past.

I can't verify it, but aren't there political events we know even the slightest bit about because they were in Les Misérables? There are so many things we don't know about in particular time periods because society didn't want to talk about them.

Even a planner that lists you successfully did your laundry and went to the local election that day could be a boon (I voted by mail this is a fake example) to the future historians. This is why I keep all my planners and diaries. I will confess I did throw out some notebooks this month, but that's because I'm cleaning and I'm never looking at my Cultural Anthropology notes from ten years ago again. Sorry to future historians, I need the space for comics and manga.

Anyway, sometimes I get in a funk and don't keep up with my planner, but I always go back and fill it in to the best of my ability, because I remember both Future Alien Historians, and the sorrow I felt at my Maternal Grandmother's death.

PS: Future (Alien) Historians: I am not Straight I am not Cisgender please do not slander me even if our definitions of sexuality and gender change by the time you get this message.

Feel free to at me on the Fediverse, please provide context though.

@lapis@booktoot.club

@lapis@bookwyrm.social

I found a gray hair a few months ago. It was a shock to me, though it shouldn’t have been. My brother’s gray streak came in around the same age. My gray hair hasn’t propagated yet, but I’ve been through some hair changes regardless. When I was about 3 or so, my hair was so light that it passed for blond. It darkened as I aged a little, to a medium brown. I felt weird because my brother and my mother’s hair were so dark they passed as black. I think the medium brown possibly came from my father, but I have so few memories of him without gray hair that I can’t be certain. Now, my hair is so dark it passes for black. It irks me, but I can see my mother in the mirror. I also see my father, I have his nose. I supposedly have my paternal grandmother’s shoulders, but I barely remember her, so I have to take other family members’ words for it.

When I was in my 20s, I was deathly afraid of turning 25, let alone 30. I can pass for younger than I am, to the point that when I was completing my degree, there was a lot of shock even among older students to find out my age. So naturally, I simply let people believe what they wanted to about my age.

There's a Used Bookstore in town that runs an annual “Owner's 29th Birthday“ sale. The shop's been running it as long as I can remember. It's obviously a joke (though 29% off a book is no joke), but to some extent, as I approached 30, I could relate.

When I turned 30 last year, on social media, I decided to treat my birthday like a Final Fantasy sequel. I was not ”30“ I was “29-2”. I even wrote it in roman numerals to really get the effect.

But you know, on a personal level, ignoring the pandemic, ignoring the fact many fascists are trying to make my existence illegal and probably kill me, that sort of thing, being 30 has been much less awful than being 20.

At 20 I was even more depressed (though I hadn't started ECTs yet), I wasn't out to even myself, and I had just gotten diagnosed with Asperger's (now Autism Spectrum), and then in what was supposedly a support group (it was not a support group) shown videos of Autism Speaks comparing my brain to cancer or a car crash. Let me tell you, that does not make you feel good. Especially if after they show you this, they ask if you would take a cure.

At the time, I would. Most of my life had been misery for being different.

Now? Certainly not. My youth sucked, but Autism is a gift. Infodumping to people is a love language. On that note: this month outright ask your autistic friends to infodump to you about something, April is a hard month for Autistic people and we could use the support.

Basically there's something I was told by my therapist after my first partial hospitalization: “you have already experienced a lowest low, or rock bottom, and every time your mood dips, you will be afraid you are relapsing into the worst of it, but you aren't necessarily. You have tools now.“

That wasn't fully true at the time, because the medication-resistant depression got worse, and you know the rest.

But it's true now.

At 20 I couldn't imagine my life getting better, and I thought because I'd had to deny myself the joys of your 20s, that it was just downhill from there. I basically stopped writing around 19-ish for about a decade. I do regret that, but I know I can't change the past.

One: I'm too introverted to want to go out drinking all night anyway. Two: Yeah, I can't pull All-nighters anymore, but All-nighters were never that great, you know? I enjoy having a bedtime, even if I wish my spoons lasted longer so I could watch more movies with people online. Three: Even when I was in my 20s, I was never going to get on a ”30 under 30“ list. Being disabled and taking nearly a decade to get your undergraduate, while understandable, is not sexy to those lists. Plus I don't want to be an inspiration for simply being disabled and not being ashamed of it.

I'm told coming into your own in your 30s isn't as unusual as we're led to believe. Especially if you're Queer.

In some ways, my adulthood is like having the childhood I should have had. Like having leftover pie for breakfast because I can, who's gonna stop me? I need to eat something to take my medications anyway. The biggest change (aside from writing again) is that I now get excited about appliances. I was thrilled when we got our dishwasher. Later in the week I'm going to try our new vacuum (my dog destroyed the cord of the last one) and I'm practically looking forward to it.

Also, on the autism note from before? I cannot mask to save my life anymore. That could be a bad thing, maybe I'll regret it down the line, but I don't want to hide who I am, and I want to thrive as an autistic person.

On my birthday, I will update my age to say in plain text “31”, and I won't be ashamed anymore.

I heard from someone older than me that their 40s were even better than their 30s, so there's that to look forward to.

Feel free to at me on the Fediverse, please provide context though.

@lapis@booktoot.club

@lapis@bookwyrm.social

For those who aren't planner geeks, let me preface this with a short explanation. Hobonichi Techos are a line of Japanese planners (though they print English versions) from Shigesato Itoi's (yes the Mother Series / Earthbound Videogame Guy's) company, which started with a blog (“Hobonichi” is a Japanese contraction of his blog's title translated as: “Almost Daily”). Every Planner, Techo or otherwise comes with a few features, one of which is called the “My100” and it's a blank list of 100 entries you can check off. There's a variety of ways to use the list. I could say a lot more about these planners and it is taking all my willpower not to. You're Welcome.

If you were to look at my Hobonichi Techo's My100, I picked 100+ things I wanted to experience. No I'm not kidding about the plus sign, I put more than 100 items on a list of 100. Do not recommend!

Most of those were books. Young Adult books. If you saw my post about my book slump, you're probably chuckling at my hubris in January of 2022. Part of the cheating also came from putting multiple series as one entry, even after being advised not to do that.

This is really laughable with the Visual Novel series Umineko no Naku Koro ni (or When the Seagulls cry), which I was really into when they were first coming out (in Japan), but never finished. I had decided, 2022 was gonna be the year I finish Umineko!

I have heard (though I couldn't cite it) that the total English word count of the eight entries of that series is longer than War and Peace. In retrospect I should have at a minimum split it into Umineko and Umineko Chiru (known as Umineko: Question Arcs & Umineko: Answer Arcs in English). That's still a large demand, that's 4 episodes per entry. When these games were coming out, you got 2 episodes a year (because there were two Comiket conventions in a year). Even at much younger, I don't think I ever read more than 2 episodes, possibly 3, per year. It was laughable devoting one entry to it and starting in October (because that's when the episodes take place).

Also, Young Adult novels aside, the fact of the matter was several things: * I wanted to experience more than 100 things. * When I make strict lists like this I rebel and don't stick to the list. This is part of why I used to bullet journal before I found a way to use Hobonichi Techos in a manner I like. * When I put 10 games from my backlog down, I failed to account for the fact videogames I wanted to play would continue to come out, and I do not play nearly as many hours of videogames as I used to. * My brother (who I don't think knew about my list) wanted to do a video game trade with me, so I've been devoting many hours to Xenoblade Chronicles: Definitive Edition because I finally got him to play Hades. To be clear: I don't regret this exchange, it was 100% a great choice, it just hadn't figured in. * I've heard a symptom of ADHD is never completing games / TV Series you like, and when I saw a meme about this, it... explained a lot for me. Because as my Nintendo and Steam End-of-Year features will show: I didn't beat a single video game this year. * Putting down fruit to try doesn't work when Inflation attacks grocery stores and you'd feel guilty asking for something you're not even sure you'd like. * Having two separate lists of musicians to listen to, and focusing on the ones from the non-My100 list. * Having computer problems for like half the year making it really hard to beat any of those PC games. * I didn't complete a single TV Series I put down, because my brother also hates finishing series. I'm on season 5 of She-Ra, before we suddenly switched to Adventure Time, and now we're watching Pokemon Journeys (well that part is my fault).

To be clear, I accomplished some things on my list. I listened to new (to me) Musicians. I read some books. I accomplished about 10 things.

I want to do another My100 next year (in my A5 English Cousin! So excited) with a similar theme, but I think this time I'll do a few things differently: 1. No cheating with single entries for series. Either just the first book, or all the books. 2. Do not fill out the entire 100 entries out before hand. I will leave at least half the list blank to fill in as I go (right now I'm suspecting even less). Because I did read a decent amount of books this year, and that should count for something, but don't because there's no space on the list to change them out. 3. Possibly make a master list of experiences or ideas in Notion, so if nothing else, if I hear about a musician I want to listen to, I can add them to the blank spaces, or put it off until 2024. 4. Regardless, while I want to do better than 10%, I should probably not expect to complete the entire list if I'm going to use it this way.

Have you woefully misused a planner before? It'd be nice to know I'm not alone.

Feel free to at me on the Fediverse, please provide context though.

@lapis@booktoot.club

@lapis@bookwyrm.social

I'm not sure when it started, but I've been in a funk. A book slump. Before the pandemic, I ran the Young Adult and Middle Grade Bookclub on the Fediverse (Under the hashtag: YAMGBookclub).

But when 2020 came, everything understandably petered out and I was the only one seemingly capable of sustained interest or sustained reading. That was fine. One less duty I thought. At some point, the bookclub got revived again only to see the same problem again.

But I wasn't having the problem.

I managed to read a lot of books in 2020 and 2021. Probably because escapist literature was a comfort. I don't think it's changed, but no one really wants to write about the pandemic in their fiction unless they are writing a story about a pandemic, so I've seen the joke (sorry I don't remember who originally posted it) that all contemporary fiction has become Alternate Universe (Fan)Fiction where the Pandemic never happened. I think I've seen some fanfiction funnily enough that does deal with the pandemic, but I think two years in, no one wants to talk about being failed by their government, by their local communities.

Not to get too personal, but my city had a masking mandate. Angry people tried to get the mayor and city council recalled (I don't think the petition made it to the ballot) and eventually, spoiler: my state struck down ANY mask mandates as illegal.

I am thankfully not immuno-compromised, but I know people who are, and I feel I owe it to humanity to at least mask up when I leave my house. I am caught up on vaccinations, but that's not enough. But you didn't come here to hear the benefits of Masking.

This is a pandemic that is leaving many people disabled with Long Covid, partially because we as a society decided from the start that the disabled were expendable.

Sorry, that got a bit dark there. It needs to be said though, because my anger and sadness and grieving during the Covid-19 Pandemic is definitely part of this.

But 2022 has been different for me on a personal level. Though I have Seasonal Affective Disorder on top of Treatment-Resistant-Depression, aside from this Summer my Mental Health has been creatively well. From a reading perspective, I have managed to read 130 books as of typing this. At least 34 of those instances of reading were rereads, mainly of comics. Another 30 or so as of writing this were comics that I got via the library. Nagata Kabi is my most read author this year because I keep returning to her books. Izumi Tsubaki, Rachel Smythe, and Ngozi Ukazu are creeping up there too.

I tend to read non-graphic books via my kobo (though I have started checking out manga via the libby app), but looking at my StoryGraph stats, the vast majority of my reading this year has been via print.

Though I finally started noticing I was struggling with this around September. I was trying to read Cake Eater by Allyson Dahlin, a SFF retelling of Marie Antoinette's life and the impending French Revolution. It was a book that was Extremely my shit. I love hearing about royalty and nobility (Disclaimer: I am not a monarchist). I love the podcast Noble Blood and whenever the host Dana Schwartz is on the podcast You're Wrong About I basically squeal with glee and listen repeatedly. The only possible way this book could have been more my shit is if it had been a SFF retelling of Anastasia Romanov's life (or theoretical escape).

To be clear, the book Cake Eater is excellent. The author clearly did thorough research. I have basically zero complaints. But it was Hell to get through that book, and I want to be clear: that was not the book's fault. It was a problem with me that I had yet to diagnose.

To be clear, there were problems prior to this. Books I couldn't get into. Usually I don't mark that I've started a digital book unless I'm at least 10% through, so these didn't get categorized as DNFs. Plus, I hesitate to mark books as DNFs, preferring just to remove them from my lists, because DNF feels like a value judgment despite not necessarily being one.

The difference was after Cake Eater I took a look at myself, and said that I clearly needed a break from the entire categories of Young Adult and Middle Grade.

The only exceptions I made were for comic books and graphic novels, because I could still read them, and I usually borrow one based off of comments people make or if the art-style grips me. I don't take the time to second-guess which age category it belongs to.

So I've been (slowly) reading books aimed at Adults since about Mid-September. I always read some, I have a decent collection of romances, for example. I have not kept-up with my book journal, I think partially because I wanted to try to analyze what I liked or disliked about a book—A fine idea, except my brain rebelled against it.

It leaves me in this tough spot. As I've previously-mentioned in other entries, I have to schedule reading around ECT appointments due to memory loss, and to be clear, I do forget a decent amount about what I read. That's part of why I reread so much. If I take detailed notes, I tend not to, but part of me simply doesn't want to do that. I'm sure there's a way to solve the note-taking problem, I just haven't come up with a solution yet.

I've tried looking at articles on Book Slumps (Bookriot has a lot) but I couldn't find one with advice that seemed to help beyond “try comics”, or “Take a break”. I'm trying to think of it as a Juice Cleanse (though I don't see myself doing one of those) and that soon I'll be “purified” and back to Normal. Or “New-Normal”, as much as I hate that phrase.

I'm hoping by next year I'll be able to read YA again, as there's many titles (like Heavenly Tyrant ) that I'm looking forward to. I know I can't commit myself to that yet, though, as I don't know what this Winter has in store for me.

Feel free to at me on the Fediverse, please provide context though.

@lapis@booktoot.club

@lapis@bookwyrm.social

I finished Lycanthropy and Other Chronic Illnesses last night and wondered if maybe I was being a jerk, or was too sensitive.

To be clear: I loved the premise, it's a solid book, it just takes a left turn in representation towards the end.

There will be spoilers after this point for both this book and More Happy Than Not. CW: Ableism, Suicide, Court / Trials, and so on. Some of it is in the books, some of it is about me.

Anyway the premise of this book is that a girl (Priya) who has to give up on Premed and Med School because she gets Chronic Lyme Disease, and joins an online support group and finds out her best friend's chronic illness is transforming into a Werewolf.

I never realized I was Chronically Ill until I looked up the definition on Wikipedia and found out that both Autism and Migraines count as Chronically Ill (if you stop to think about it) and getting ECT treatments permanently probably also puts me there, so I was like “Oh maybe this will soothe my wounded, disabled heart.”

To be clear: The Author is chronically ill though she does not have Lyme disease (and is presumably not a werewolf) so this is NOT a “Stay in your own lane” sort of thing. But let me lay out my problems, don't worry, the Lycanthropy is solid, no complaints about that in fact I'm barely going to talk about that:

Priya is naturally discouraged as she's doing badly catching up in school. She figures her dream is hopeless. I can certainly relate. For those that don't know, I was trying to get a doctorate (not just for gender reasons) and become an academic researcher. Academia fucking Sucks so while I am sad I could not achieve my dream, I also feel it is a bullet dodged.

The problem is, towards the end of the book, her father comes up with articles about Disabled Doctors and ideas for how to get through Med School while Chronically Ill. It does not go into detail about compromises she'd need to make, or basically what this will entail. But she can do her dream! Isn't that great?

Since O'Neal has Chronic Illnesses and would presumably know of the plausibility of a med school course-load while chronically ill, I suspect the book originally had a different ending, and she was told to make it inspirational. To be clear, I am going to believe this until I have irrefutable evidence otherwise because I genuinely want to believe it's someone else's fault this book takes the “Inspirational ™️” turn it does.

I talked a bit in this post about Americans with Disabilities Act Accommodations and how virtually toothless it is.

Let's use an example of Sidewalks: Oh what's that? Cities were told the one thing they had to do was make the Sidewalk ADA-compliant next time it was under construction, and has failed to do that for at least 30 years? You don't say! Like, this is a legitimate problem, I know people in wheelchairs who have gotten stuck or hurt on these badly designed paved sidewalks and parking lots.

To go back to my court case (the one where it was thrown at me that I had gotten an A in the one class I was taking at the time because it “sounded like a difficult class” so therefore I couldn't be disabled), there is an expert in ADA at these disability hearings. The Judge asks them if it'd be a “Reasonable accommodation” for a workplace to do X. Like, to allow breaks in a dark room if you have a migraine twice a week. Nope. To explain things differently? Not really. I'm lucky in that I don't use a wheelchair, so the bullshit I deal with in transportation isn't nearly as bad as people I know's.

Maybe she did research, and California (where Priya went to school) or New Jersey do a lot better jobs with accommodations? Kind of doubt it since Los Angeles was named in that article above. I mean, to be clear: while I am grateful for the accommodations I got in school, I did not get as many as I should have. I couldn't even get a notetaker for class. And it's not just a Nebraska problem. I tried to go to grad school in Canada. My accommodations weren't any better.

This is part of why I do not have a job. I am considered a “Discouraged Worker” because I know there's no point in applying because no one will accommodate me.

Maybe I'm just bitter because I had to give up on my dream.

Now let's discuss the other book. If you were not aware, it's about being able to block out memories and rewrite your life's narrative. You find out the protagonist manipulated his memories to forget his father's suicide (and he the protagonist's homosexuality, which sort of drove the former) and then he remembers, tries to undergo the memory treatment again, and due to head trauma from assholes, he starts having problems with his memory. I'm pretty sure when I last took notes about this, it was called Anterograde Amnesia.

The original book ended with him preparing to acclimate to his new life. It was a downer, sure (but most of Silvera's books are), but for like the 10th anniversary they put out a new edition with a new ending. In which he gets medical treatment after a year to fix his brain problems. I do not have Anterograde Amnesia, admittedly. I have Retrograde —Caused by ECT-treatment, maintenance ECTs to be specific. Like sure, the first summer I underwent the treatment is basically gone other than 2 memories, but I STILL lose memories because I get the treatment once a month. It is easily the most impactful thing (short of the pandemic) on my life. This was the closest thing to representation I had and it was taken from me.

See. I don't want to disappoint young readers (or the adults reading YA) but Miracle Cures in Fiction will not help your disabled audience. It just makes us feel shut out.

Like, this is another one I have a conspiracy theory about. I think Silvera was pushed to write a happier ending.

I am not saying you have to kill off your disabled characters, but wheelchairs, for example, go back centuries further than you may have imagined.
Neanderthals Cared for the disabled we know this for a fact: We've existed the whole time. Why does our society just want to brush everyone disabled under a rug and pretend we don't exist? Why are we only there to make the reader sad? Why can't we have stories where the disabled reader feels empowered without it ringing false?

My Creative Writing Professor once said (in a class I wasn't at because I was at a medical appointment) that Disabled People cannot be the protagonists of stories because they lack agency. But all I've wanted in the last decade is to write myself some representation. Do I completely lack agency? I don't think so, that's part of why I'm writing this blog post.

I'm not saying we need 100 Copies of Sick Kids in Love, I want 100 other disabled stories, but it's the only one I can think of in recent memory (remember my memory issue) that I didn't feel betrayed by in representation.

Yes, the answer is both ableism and capitalism.

Please remember, disability is a marginalized-status that anyone can join at any time in their life. Even if you are not currently disabled, that does mean you won't be later.

Also remember: I will not join your revolution if you don't give a shit about disabled people. If we just simply have to die for your revolution, honey, that's eugenics.

Anyway, if you'll excuse me, happy Disability Pride Month, Happy Disability Wrath Month, and I'm going to read Sick Kids In Love again unless someone can recommend just as good or better representation.

Feel free to at me on the Fediverse, please provide context though.

@lapis@booktoot.club

@lapis@bookwyrm.social

Sorry, probably should have written this closer to the beginning of the month, Happy Pride!

This is a compilation of books I’ve read recently. There's a separate section for books that came out this year, because I know they may be harder to get ahold of from the library. There's also a section for books that I'm looking forward to.

I will note, that while I tried to prioritize writers I knew were queer, not everyone on this list openly identifies as queer, or has very little information about them. This could be a problem with, say, mlm romance novels, but you need to keep in mind that unless you are Nicholas Sparks, who doesn’t count himself as publishing romance anyway, it seems books that are under a feminine-sounding name sell better.

Also, on that note, some of these writers are writing outside their experiences (or at least seemingly are), with a feminine name writing mlm, but I am not trying to police identities, so keep that in mind while you look at the list. If it’s a problem for you, you may want to find a stricter list. Worrying about fetishization is a valid concern, and while I don’t think any of these came off as fetish-y, your mileage may vary!

With that out of the way, let's go:

Queer Fiction (Released Previous Years):

  • Pet – Akwaeke Emezi Review here

  • The Charm Offensive – Alison Cochrun (An MLM RomCom about a reality show)

  • Iron Widow – Xiran Jay Zhao (a Polyam series Review Here )

  • Darius the Great is Not Okay / Darius the Great Deserves Better – Adib Khorram (Not explicitly queer in the first book, but clearly in the subtext, and outright text in the second book)

  • Hani and Ishu’s Guide to Fake Dating – Adiba Jaigirdar (Adorable YA with sapphic fake-dating)

  • Unmasked by the Marquess – Cat Sebastian (This is a Genderqueer Regency Romance, yes this is how I got into Regency Romances)

  • The Lady’s Guide to Celestial Mechanics – Olivia Waite (A wlw regency series!)

Queer Fiction (Released This Year):

  • I kissed Shara Wheeler – Casey McQuiston (First McQuiston for the YA crowd. I really liked their previous works, but I think this one is my favorite)

  • The Lesbiana’s Guide to Catholic School – Sonora Reyes – Review Here

  • Flip the Script – Lyla Lee (Bisexual Fake Dating but not in the way you expect)

  • Kiss and Tell – Adib Khorram (This is not A fluffy book. It is a very thoughtful book about privilege)

  • Melt With You – Jennifer Dugan (WLW road trip in a food truck)

Queer Comics (No separation)

  • Cosmoknights – Hannah Templer A Webcomic you can read here

  • My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness – Nagata Kabi (A nonfiction Manga Series; 5 books out, each book is basically standalone)

  • Across a Field of Starlight – Blue Delliquanti I also recommend their finished Comic: O, Human Star )

  • Boys Run the Riot – Keito Gaku (trans boy narrative, it's a 4 volume manga series, I've only read the first two volumes)

  • Pixels of You – Yuko Ota, Anath Hirsh (Human and AI queer relationship)

Queer Books I am Excited About or Have not Finished:

  • Bitter – Akwaeke Emezi ( I loved Pet, and Want to see this prequel)

  • This Wicked Fate – Kalynn Bayron (Sequel to This Poison Heart which ended on a cliffhanger)

  • Just Your Local Bisexual Disaster – Andrea Mosqueda (I've read nothing by this author but I really like the sound of the premise)

  • A Lady for a Duke – Alexis Hall (trans regency romance. I’ve started it and I’m not super far in yet)

And that's all! I hope for twice as many queer books to write about next time. Please let me know if you have recommendations.

Feel free to at me on the Fediverse, please provide context though.

@lapis@booktoot.club

@lapis@bookwyrm.social