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from lapis

On Valentine’s Day, I woke up to the news that Yoshitaka Murayama of Genso Suikoden fame, writer of the upcoming Eiyuden Chronicle game, to name only two of his accomplishments, died last week, due to “complications with an ongoing illness” (Project Update 70 from Rabbit & Bear Studio).

I hope at the least, he was not in pain when he went.

I'm sure fans are happy to know he had completed writing of Eiyuden Chronicle before he passed.

I put on some Suikoden music thinking to honor him, and as soon as I hit a remix of “La mia tristezza”, I started crying.

Now, of course any artist (of high or low art, regardless of medium) dying is sad. I'm sure every death in the world is mourned by someone, whether or not they created or if you feel they deserve to be mourned, to use an example like Kissinger.

But, and this may be obvious, when someone dies, you really feel the sense of transience for every living thing.

When an artist dies (or a lighter example, a band breaks up with irreconcilable differences) the Finiteness strikes me. Like, yes, I am mortal, I can only produce Finite amounts of art, but while I am alive, it feels infinite. I'm certain it would feel different if I discovered I had a terminal disease.

And I feel that infinity with most art I experience. Until something happens that reminds me that life is short.

It's not like I've played all of Murayama's games. I haven't even gotten the good ending on Suikoden II yet. And of course Eiyuden Chronicle is coming out in a couple months, I will play through that and Eiyuden Chronicle: Rising really trying to absorb the story.

While I am sad, there is something I remember from the first book of Shusterman's Arc of a Scythe series, where the two protagonists are in a museum, looking at the art from the Mortal Era, and the art from their current, virtually immortal time, and it's clear the art from the Mortal Era is more moving, possibly because the artists had to contend with mortality (and poverty, and war, and so on). Maybe that is worth dwelling on.

 
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from lapis

Things have been hectic, as I'm sure y'all have guessed. I'm going to use this to reflect on the end of the year, as I'm doubtful putting out a year-end roundup would be particularly interesting.

Let's start with games!

Games

October

Silent Hope came out. It's not that I hate it, I quite like it, in fact, but I got distracted by many other games so I haven't gotten super far. It was around this time I had a discussion with some friends about what ”Cozy“ or ”Relaxing“ games are. To keep this short: basically my favorite thing to do with games is to listen to podcasts while playing them, and not be deeply focusing on the games. This means I don't pay as much attention to the music, sadly, but it's a great way to relax. Silent Hope is great for this.

I of course started Umineko Episode 4 but I'm going to discuss that more in December.

I think I mentioned this before, but I got into Honkai: Star Rail partially as some first-hand research into Gachas, but I genuinely enjoy it (might help I haven't tried to pull for anything yet). I have to try some other Gachas for my research, but I have yet to do that. Maybe in 2024.

I've been playing some My Time At Portia. Quite like it.

Moonstone Island: I still love thee. I haven't finished the first year yet, but there's no rush.

November

So I was super excited (as I love time-loops) for the game In Stars and Time to come out. I did play it (though I haven't beaten it yet) when it came out, but I also wanted to play the (optional) prequel Start Again: A Prologue. As you may expect from a time-loop game, this is depressing at times (it hasn't gotten there yet, but I assume In Stars and Time will get to this point as well) and there's some self-harm. So while I absolutely recommend both games, make sure you're in a good place mentally when playing.

December

December was largely about hauling ass to finish Umineko episode 4. In case I hadn't made it clear, I had played most of the Umineko series before it was officially licensed, back when it was a fan translation. I have beaten Episode 4 at least twice years ago. But regardless, Episode 4 still emotionally destroys me. When I cleared all of it yesterday (December 30th) I was devastated and just listened to Discode on repeat.

There was also Pokemon. My brother wanted to make sure I cleared The Teal Mask before The Indigo Disk DLC came out. So I did work on that. I intend to at least get close to clearing Indigo Disk before the epilogue in January comes out.

Things I'd Like to Work on (Game-wise)

Other than some important games ( Hades II, Suikoden I & II and Eiyuden Chronicle ) that are coming out next year that I absolutely want to play, I think I want to beat at least one game from my backlog in the coming year. That should probably be Xenoblade Chronicles but I have many things I have half-finished, as has been clear from prior posts. Also, since Eiyuden Chronicle is coming out, I want to get back to Eiyuden Chronicle: Rising and beat that.

And of course, I want to finish all of Umineko Chiru / The Answer arc. I have to emotionally destroy my soul in 2024, I promised!

Books

October

I finished A Wizard's Guide to Defensive Baking. I wish I had read this sooner, it's wonderful. Virtually everything else in October was a graphic novel, and overall I think I read less than usual.

November

In November, Dracula Daily ended (again), and of course, that meant Re: Dracula (the podcast audio drama version) ended as well. I cannot state how much I loved this. I may have to add an audio drama section to this report next year, because Re: Dracula got me really into listening to audio drama podcasts.

I also (finally) finished A Conjuring of Light, the final book in the Shades of Magic trilogy by V.E. Schwab. Apparently there's a new series taking place in the same world that just released.

And comics, once more.

December

In December I finally noticed I was in a book slump and needed a break from comics. Ironically, I started reading a buttload of comics this year because I was in a book slump from Young Adult fiction. This month, I've tried a little nonfiction and a little literature. I highly recommend Idol, Burning by Rin Usami. It's a good read, plus it's a novella so it doesn't take as long to read.

Finally, my hold on Bookshops & Bonedust as well, and that was a wonderful treat.

Things I'd like to work on (Books edition)

It's not like I need to read hundreds of books in a year. But I love reading, and I'd like to figure out what to read that will resonate with me. Right now, it appears to be literature (especially Japanese literature). But who knows what the new year will hold. Maybe I'll just ask people to tell me what to read.

I enjoy doing these reports, so I plan to continue this practice next year.

 
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from lapis

As you may have guessed from the title: I still think it’s a good idea to have these quarterly reflections. I have improved on writing down when I play/read/watch/start/finish something. Sometimes it takes a few days before I remember to add it to the Hobonichi Cousin, but I’ve gotten a lot better about remembering, probably because it’s become a habit. Though personally? I’d still like Nintendo and Steam to give me more data, and not just at the end of the year. Maybe they will read this blog and go “you know what? That’s an excellent idea from a genius writer and we’re giving them free games (and localizing Mother 3) as a result”. I can dream, can’t I?

Anyway, there's a decent amount here, let's start with games, like last time.

Games

July

A great month for Cozy Games. Story of Seasons: A Wonderful Life came out, and while I petered out playing it, I can confirm: If you buy the goat, it will not run out of milk: no more justification for murdering the goat!

Atelier Marie Remake came out, and you can bet as someone who played the Atelier series since they first came here, I was quite excited, I had always wanted to play this one. I decided to do an unlimited time run file. As you may expect, there are still annual events, they just recur however many times per year. Which is my current problem. I need Dunkelheits. Information in game seems to indicate they show up during an annual eclipse, and I’m so worried about spacing out (I tend to space out playing Cozy Games) and missing the Dunkelheit and having to wait another year. So it’s on hold until I’m “Ready”, whenever that is.

A new friend introduced me to Moonlighter, which is another game I can just put on a podcast to and relax. This is oddly specific and so Steam cannot help me with a dynamic list. I will have to come up with “lapis’ podcast and play” curated game list at some other point.

As you may have guessed, in July, I beat my first run of I Was a Teenage Exocolonist. I was so happy to start it again, so eager to right my wrongs. So far two less people have died. Though I have failed at preventing at least one death so far. I think I know how to avoid it next time.

I did in fact start Umineko: Episode 3 in July, and it took me until today (September 30th) to clear it. Not much to report, just picking up details I missed the first time around.

August

I learned about the existence of MOTHER: Encore. It’s basically a fan reimagining of the original, with sprites more like Earthbound and MOTHER 3, and some added functionality. I want to be clear. I LOVE the original MOTHER / EarthBound: Beginnings. Maybe it’s because I’ve played EarthBound / MOTHER 2 since before I can remember but collecting eight melodies holds a special place in my heart, despite all the bullshit and balancing issues the original game has. I played a bit of the demo, but I very much want to wait for the full game. A friend of mine, who has studied when Nintendo C&Ds something, is more optimistic than I that this will be made. Supposedly Nintendo’s C&Ds are entirely about Brand Confusion, so if they C&D’d this, it would indicate they probably did want to remake the first game. But anyway, you should check it out here.

I also did a bit of Honkai: Star Rail which I will insist is for a project I’m working on and not because I find March 7th really adorable. I have to check out some other Gachas for this project, and I haven’t progressed super far in the game yet.

I also did a bit of the Pokemon Scarlet postgame to make sure I was ready for the DLC.

September

Discovered a bunch of cool stuff this month. I started playing My Time At Portia at someone’s recommendation. Not much to say other than that I like it and should get back to it.

As you may know, Part 1 of the Pokemon Scarlet / Violet DLC came out, The Teal Mask. (Minor, vague spoilers for the main game and a bit of the DLC follow, skip ahead to Moonstone Island to skip it)

I don’t know if you have to have beaten the game to start it. Level-wise, I would say “yes”, but so far (and admittedly I’m not super-far in) I feel like it’s really mean to give Kieran a complex about how much he sucks at fighting you when you’re Champion-ranked. Like, this was Nemona’s character-arc, that she started holding back because she’s the only one that likes losing (and then she met you, and you let her go all out). I really hope it comes up, because as fun as it is to “bully” Kieran, it does feel really mean, he’s gonna need therapy at this rate.

Moonstone Island came out and I love this game so far. I think the reason some people don’t is they think it will just be another farming sim. So far the farming elements, while necessary, are light. I honestly wouldn’t mention the farming elements when pitching this game to someone. Say that the map is randomly generated after you complete the tutorial (which I suspect will lead to more replayability), and that while it seems to have less unique dialogue than a Rune Factory or Stardew Valley, I actually like how conversing works: you get a brief line, and then the option of Chatting, Joking, or Flirting with the person. These have different success rates and rewards (and presumably flirting is a requirement for dating someone). That’s right, you can make someone’s affection go down by picking “chat” and having poor luck. Also I like the battle system a lot, honestly: more than Stardew Valley’s.

A friend urged me to try the Silent Hope Demo that Marvelous / XSeed released. I love the system of time for crafting or other activities, and being able to switch characters (and getting a buff) in the dungeon. I’m quite looking forward to this game.

Things I'd Like to Work on (Game-wise)

I really need to get back to Xenoblade Chronicles I. It's like Eiyuden Chronicle and the Suikoden I & II remake delays were made specifically for me, but surprising probably no one that read this, I am really bad at staying on task and finishing games in a timely manner. At least I managed to clear I was a Teenage Exocolonist once... Unfortunately XBC will probably be delayed while I play Cozy Games. I will keep on top of Umineko Ep 4 though!

Books

July

I didn't write a review of it, but I wanted to highlight The Remarkable Retirement of Edna Fisher by E. M. Anderson. This time the Chosen One hails from a Retirement Home. While there are sad and brutal parts of this book (it does not glorify them but it does not shy away from it, this book is basically “Trauma: A Fantasy Novel”) it is gentle and loving and I LOVE this book. Please buy it or request it from your library, the author deserves to do well.

I started Kimi no Todoke: From Me to You because my library got it in digitally. Unfortunately, though I checked out volume 16, it never showed up on my kobo (this apparently has something to do with updating files, but I have no idea what the issue is, but it made me sad because I really like the manga).

August

I caught up on Delicious in Dungeon / _Dungeon Meshi English Graphic Novel releases. The manga reached its conclusion the following month and you bet I read those chapters.

I finished reading What You Will: A Queer-er Shakespeare. You can see my review here. Jess Mahler, as always, does quite nice work, and I know in future writings, if I have a character transition during the story, this will be one of the books I study to make sure I do a good job.

I got through A Darker Shade of Magic and A Gathering of Shadows during August, and the corresponding videos. As of writing I have about 20% of the final book left.

Because of the new zine, Madison, I reread all of Ngozi Ukazu's Check, Please! and Huddle! comics and zines respectively. I'm pretty sure it's not a MLM story, but I'm quite looking forward to her Graphic Novel Bunt! to be published in 2024.

People had been nagging me to read The God of Arepo and since I had a copy of it I finally did. I uh, see what the fuss is about (Yes I cried), and I'm glad it won an Ignatz. Reimena Yee is not responsible for the original story, but she does excellent art. She also made the Graphic Novel My Aunt is a Monster which I also happened to read this August. Solid work.

September

Less was read this month (besides trying my hardest to get through A Conjuring of Light). I read the comic Coven (Jennifer Dugan, Kit Seaton) and it was nice. My hold for My Brain is Different (MONZUSU) came in, and it was a great look at ADHD, Autism, and other such Neurodiversities in Japan. I recommend it (but it's a heavy book, dealing with bullying and suicide a lot. Take care while reading).

Around the same time I also checked out Shino Can’t Say Her Name (Shuzo Oshimi) and it was an interesting one. While not an anthology like the above, it is also only one volume. I recommend it.

Things I'd Like to Work on (Book-wise)

I absolutely want to finish A Conjuring of Light. I'm hoping if I'm lucky, once I do, my hold on R. F. Kuang's Babel will come back in and I can finish that as well. That new book written by Bill Watterson of Calvin and Hobbes fame, The Mysteries is coming out in October along with a bunch of other comics. There's another Nagata Kabi book coming out in November (and a new version of My Lesbian Experience With Loneliness if you haven't picked that up yet) so I'm excited about that.

I really want to get back to Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation: Mo Dao Zu Shi as well. It's my first Danmei as well as first Xianxia, so I think maybe rereading volume 1 is in order. I know I can grasp this stuff. I mean, I was certainly able to grasp a bunch of random facts about Japan I inhaled from manga in my peak Weeb period. Just because this is new doesn't mean it's impossible.

Things I'd Like to Work on (In General)

I joined an ASL class. I'm quite happy, I've been wanting to learn ASL especially in case I have another period where I go silent for whatever reason. But it's a really cool language and I'm loving what I've learned of the grammar so far. Wish me luck!

I've mentioned on Mastodon and Discord repeatedly that I plan on spending October improving my handwriting—not just for legibility, I think if I find a better position and grip it will help with my hand pain somewhat. I'm hoping to have something to report regarding that. I would love it if anyone else wanted to join in a 30-day (31st is for make ups and reflection) challenge of their own, it doesn't have to be handwriting.

I plan to do this again in December, possibly with an Annual Round-up too. I hope I will write a blog post or two before then though!

 
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from lapis

I felt it would be good to reflect on how I've spent my time. It's true, I came up with this idea in June, not January. And I discovered a couple problems.

  • In my Hobonichi Cousin I tend to write down “Read” instead of specifying what I read.
  • Nintendo doesn't give you an easy to read screen about when you played something.
  • Steam only does so the first time you play something and when you get an achievement, though at least in the recent game section it specifies which month.

Anyway, doing research ( looking through chat logs, scanning my planner for the few times I did specify something, and checking book social media like BookWyrm ) I found a few things.

This is not an exhaustive list. I have been reading a lot of books and I'm only going to mention a few of them, for example. I'm also going to give a bit of a reflection.

Let's start with games!

Games

April

I played a lot of Harvestella and got burnt out on it. Like with Rune Factory 5 (Which I also haven't beaten) I like the farming so much I tend to focus on it instead of the story. Also fun Harvestella Fact: Because my brain is poisoned by EXA=PICO, there's a not-insignificant amount of times I've typed ”Harvestasya“ instead of ”Harvestella“.

I played more I Was A Teenage Exocolonist and I'm Extremely close to finishing my first play-through but I don't know if it's the ADHD or what, but I'm procrastinating because I don't want it to end despite knowing I will play through it more times.

I also finally cleared the Hades Epilogue. It's still one of my favorite games, and I'm definitely gonna start another file at some point, probably to help me get hyped for Hades II.

I happened to see the Volcano Princess Demo and gave it a try. Yes, I did notice the English translation wasn't the best, but it was functional, and I really liked the concept. I have not played the full game yet, but they claim they're going to improve the English translation among other fixes, so I'm in no rush.

May

While I played APICO before this, May was when I played some and elected to take a break, since updates are still coming.

I Got back to (for a brief moment) Xenoblade Chronicles I. I had to have someone remind me what was going on, but I grasped it . I then angrily put it down because I learned this whole time I could have been improving party members' relationships by exchanging GIFTS not just fighting together and doing quests together. I had been building Sharla and Melia's relationship for at least 10 hours, and it would have gone so much faster if I'd known about the gift stuff. I will get back to it. I like the game (despite that) and my brother agreed to play Hades if I played this, and he beat it completely, so I gotta do my part, fair's fair.

I happened to get Bad End Theater.. It's a short visual novel about choices and how the story plays out with 4 different characters .If you complete all of a character's bad endings, you get a letter. You can beat the game without it (you just need to see each character's ”True End“ to proceed to the end game) but you unlock the uh, True True Ending if you get and read all the letters. When I explained the concept to my brother, he said it sounded a bit like Triangle Strategy but I haven't played that yet so I have no idea.

One of my goals for this year has been to get through all four episodes of the Umineko no Naku Koro ni Question Arc. When Umineko was first released years ago (pre-Steam I mean), I got through Episode 7 and stopped. I regret that. I want to play through all of it, but frankly, with the fact that clearing Episode 1 took over 20 hours and the total word count of the series is longer than War and Peace I think 4 episodes is a good limit for now. I was hoping to do one episode every 3 months, but as you can see by the fact I' m mentioning Episode 1 in May I did not manage that. While I have not beaten Episode 2 yet as of writing this, I think I can manage to before June's over.

Also in May, I beat Pokemon Scarlet. While Gen V remains my favorite, this is a close second. I took a break from it soon after and I have not done the post game contents.

June

Other than Umineko I got back into Animal Crossing for a change of pace, and I also played a little Let's Build a Zoo.

Things I'd like to work on (Games Edition)
  • Beating my first run of I was a Teenage Exocolonist. Maybe I just need an accountability buddy.
  • Getting back to Xenoblade Chronicles I now that I'm no longer nearly as angry as I was
  • Getting back to Harvestella and Rune Factory 5. This is probably not realistic as Story of Seasons: A Wonderful Life is coming out soon, so unless I really hate it I'll probably focus on that instead.
  • Keeping up the pace with the Umineko episodes.
  • Trying new stuff and demos I get on steam more often.

Books

April

I am poisoned by The Locked Tomb. It took me months to get through Gideon the Ninth, and to be honest it probably helped that I was propelled forward both by enthusiasts and enthusiasts sharing spoilers. Harrow the Ninth was excellent and I want to read it again. I have read Nona the Ninth and I did like it, but the whole time I was like ”I wanna read Harrow again....”

If you follow me on BookWyrm or Storygraph you've probably noticed the majority of my reading this year has been comics and manga. It's just what my soul calls for. Anyway, I discovered this graphic novel series Fence. And I don't know if you know this about me: Despite the fact I can't stand to watch sports, I love reading sports memoirs. And evidently that extends to fiction. Especially really gay fiction! Like, I've read all five volumes (and I desperately need more) but the series started out pretty queer, and has somehow only gotten queerer with each volume which I didn't know was possible!

I signed up for a Substack book club for the 1818 edition of Frankenstein and then became afraid of my inbox and ignored it until April. I read all of it though.

I also started in on my Substack subscription to Periodic Pride and Prejudice.

While spring cleaning, I started (I'm not finished) reorganizing the bookshelves, and I rediscovered Vinland Saga. It's so good and I'm sorry I got away from it.

May

I read Belle of the Ball, which was great. I've been a fan of the author's webcomic Peritale (which I miss very much). Read Belle of the Ball and read Life of Melody!

A friend online recommended I read the manga Delicious in Dungeon. I love it so far, I'm waiting for the library to place more of them on hold.

Feeling left out after ignoring it last year, I started Dracula Daily. I worry a lot about my good friend Jonathan Harker. Also, I must say, if you haven't listened to the podcast Re: Dracula that follows the same release schedule, you have to listen to it. Every time there's an email from Jonathan Harker's Journal (Kept in Shorthand) I read that first, having gotten to the point where I can hear Ben Galpin narrate in my head, and then I listen to the episode, and go “Wow I sure do love the cast of this.“

June

As a new member of Jess Mahler's street team, I read and reviewed my free copy of First Came Trust. I'm really excited for some future releases.

My hold on All Systems Red (the MurderBot Diaries 1) came in. It took me a bit of time to warm up to it, but I'm a fan.

I finally got to start The Remarkable Retirement of Edna Fisher, and I love it so far. It's about an Octogenarian Chosen One.

Things I'd like to work on (Books edition)

I Started R. F. Kuang's book Babel months ago, I loved what I read, but I could not finish it before the library wanted it back. So I placed another hold and am Semi-Patiently waiting.

My hold on The Long Way To A Small Angry Planet came in. I haven't started it yet, but I better start it soon, if I don't finish it I will have to wait another eternity to read it again.

Because I got away from the third book, and the fact V.E. Schwab is doing a read-along on Youtube, I really want to get back into Shades of Magic.

Things I'd like to Work on (In General)

This may be obvious, but I'd like to get more specific in my Planner. Maybe I don't have to note when I finish a book, but I should at least note What I'm reading or playing.

I think I'd like to do more quarterly roundups.

So, (hopefully) see you again with this in September!

 
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from lapis

A few days ago I asked my brother if by any chance anyone had managed to save my late-grandmother's Dill Soup recipe despite the fact I hated that damn soup. The answer (other than bewilderment at me caring) was “not really, Grandma didn't have a standard recipe.“ It sounds like attempts were made but none succeeded.

A few years ago, early in the COVID Pandemic, my maternal grandmother died. She was the last remaining grandparent I had. I don't believe it was due to COVID or the flu, I think it was natural causes.

Around 2017, I started bullet journaling. While I currently don't BuJo; right now I'm a Hobonichi Cousin planner addict, I've come to see the value in charting things. You think this would have occurred to me as soon as I started having ECTs but no, unfortunately, it took a few years. I am not always good at adding in details (I usually refrain from mentioning books because I chart those on BookWyrm and Storygraph) . I still like to think I'm helping future historians, whether they're human or alien. I do hope they don't write me down as straight though. That'd really piss me off. These three paragraphs are related, though not through direct causation.

I didn't care much for my maternal grandmother (I believe she is, in no small part, one of the reasons my mother is the way she is), but I still mourned her, despite the lack of positive memories. The closest I get is memories of making rosaries for the church (she always had me cover the knots in a layer of clear nail polish).

While I did grieve her loss, I more grieved the implications. The loss of information. The loss of Institutional Knowledge. It was something I had started caring about by the time I started Bullet Journaling, but unfortunately, by that point she had dementia, and I was told not to bother asking her questions about the past. Regardless, I wish I had asked.

What? What does that have to do with anything, you may ask.

My Paternal side is German, my Maternal side is Czech. I'm pretty sure my Dad's family didn't know German unless they learned it in school; they most definitely didn't celebrate German traditions and I suspect part of that was wanting to keep a low profile during World War II. There's another part I suspect, and I'll get to it in a bit.

On my Mother's side, my Grandmother and Grandfather knew Czech, but deliberately did not teach it to their children. Apparently this was because it made talking behind a child's back right in front of them quite easy. There are no dishes I remember (at least Wikipedia doesn't indicate anything about Dill Soup) from my time with my grandmother that I can find to be traditionally Czech: at least, as far as I know, serving Maruchan ramen noodle bricks doesn't seem to have originated in Europe. I don't believe I've ever had a koláč, let alone enough to turn into the plural kolache.

We have documents from her childhood that we cannot read, we think they're in Czech, we think they're religious, but that's about all we know. Admittedly, we could solve this by taking the time to learn Czech, and I've certainly toyed with the idea. But what about the broken chain of information? There seems to be no way to solve that. I suppose genealogical websites may help to some degree, but I don't want to give my DNA or other family members that haven't consented's information to third parties, just to be told “Hey you're Czech and German!!!” In short, to me, the chain of information is staying broken.

Why would both sides ignore their cultural traditions? To be honest, while I think this could be an essay in and of itself, I don't think I'm the person who can do it justice, regardless, I would feel dishonest if I did not donate at least a little space to it. But in short: I think it was the allure of Becoming White. Why do things that make you stand out as foreign, as an immigrant, when you can assimilate? Admittedly neither side became any flavor of Protestant, but I think both families successfully became white. I don't think I have to belabor the point anymore. I'm certain other, more qualified people have pointed this out more eloquently.

I personally don't think it was worth it, but I'm more an academic type, though perhaps a little lazy. The only reason I didn't minor in History in Undergraduate was that I didn't want to write a thesis. But to be honest: it's mostly my Anthropology degree that makes me feel links to the past.

I can't verify it, but aren't there political events we know even the slightest bit about because they were in Les Misérables? There are so many things we don't know about in particular time periods because society didn't want to talk about them.

Even a planner that lists you successfully did your laundry and went to the local election that day could be a boon (I voted by mail this is a fake example) to the future historians. This is why I keep all my planners and diaries. I will confess I did throw out some notebooks this month, but that's because I'm cleaning and I'm never looking at my Cultural Anthropology notes from ten years ago again. Sorry to future historians, I need the space for comics and manga.

Anyway, sometimes I get in a funk and don't keep up with my planner, but I always go back and fill it in to the best of my ability, because I remember both Future Alien Historians, and the sorrow I felt at my Maternal Grandmother's death.

PS: Future (Alien) Historians: I am not Straight I am not Cisgender please do not slander me even if our definitions of sexuality and gender change by the time you get this message.

 
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from Zeph's Bookish Rambles

Most of my meditation these days is based on visualization and imagination. I've had a really intense inner life for as long as I can remember, and I recently started deliberately mapping it all out and developing a cohesive world I can travel in my mind. I start in front of my house there, which is in a tree like some kind of fairy tale because it can be, imagination is fun.

From there I travel to whatever part of the world makes sense for the type of meditation I want to do. I might go to the sacred grove for druid work, sit by a lake to think deeply about something, or revisit places I've been in the real world to draw on those memories. Sometimes that's just unguided wandering, sometimes I'll follow a recording, sometimes I use oracle decks. The treehouse I mentioned connects to the world tree and from there I can access all the possible worlds I could imagine.

Fantasy Worlds

Since I got the Vibe Check Deck, I've been doing a lot of that last one. It's a deck of AI-generated art showing places of all kinds. Small rooms, shrines, restaurants, markets, landscapes, etc. All of it gives me post-apocalyptic sci-fi vibes, which is kind of peak optimism for me. And I'm not finding it easy to be optimistic lately, so I like to visit these worlds after the end and believe in a world where there is an after and people still find meaning and connection.

In this post I shared a picture of one of these readings. I typically draw three cards, one for the general setting, one for my home/place in it, and one for the way those come together to create a story. In that example, the sunny green market makes me feel like this is a solarpunk world featuring cooperation and shared resources. The little cottage surrounded by pink foliage and clouds in the second one is exactly the kind of place I would love to live and sings to my little witchy heart.

The third card shares the color palette with the house and the buildings easily match up with the cityscape in the back of the market. None of the aesthetics in these cards really seem to match and I wouldn't expect to see them all in one movie. In particular, the third card stands out as being particularly not green and not meshing well with the garden vibes of the first card. This tells me that the people in this world have deliberately spread out to places and come together to share to make the most of their resources and provide for everyone.

I can picture myself here in that little cottage on the border of these two very different landscapes. Making food and clothing to share with people in those other areas when I visit them. The perfect mix of solitude and community that I crave in my daily life. It's comforting to stay there for awhile, to imagine the work I might be doing on that day, to see myself as a part of that community and feel my work has meaning.

Challenges and Guards

There are a lot of Wonderland/Oz/Labyrinth style places in my inner world. A lot of gates and hidden information. I will envision myself traveling through the course and when I reach a block I pull a card to understand what I need to move forward. Something that needs to be sacrificed, a puzzle I have to solve, a gift given, etc. If the door opens, I move on to the next section. If not, I'll keep working on it or might decide that it's not meant for me today and go back.

Basically any deck could work for this, but I tend to use my own homemade oracles. They're tailored for my specific purposes so I can pick out exactly the right one for whatever kind of work I'm doing, and I already have strong connections to the symbols so it's easy to draw on them to imagine what comes next. It might be interesting to try this with a fandom deck. I'll have to keep that in mind.

Rituals and Shrines

Quite a few of my decks were offerings for various deities or ancestors and I use them specifically to communicate with those entities. I'm an atheist, but I really believe in the power of storytelling and personal narratives and this kind of ritual speaks to me in a deep way. Feelings are weird and again, imagination is cool.

A short distance from my treehouse in the inner world there is an ancient temple with shrines to various gods in one direction, the sacred grove mentioned before in another, and various other places of worship. Inside the house there are several small shrines to my ancestors, other guides, and the gods I work with most.

In rituals after I've done the physical setup and offerings, I'll spend time in meditation visiting the most appropriate worship space. I'll then draw cards from a deck devoted to that individual to see how the ritual was and offering were received, ask if there are any further offerings to be given or questions to be answered or challenges to be done. I think the physical components of a ritual are important and effective, but being able to imagine my ideal worship space and have it all look and feel like I want it to is also helpful for me in internalizing it and making it feel real.

Future Experiment: Meeting the Cards

YouTube keeps recommending me videos of people talking about how they use oracle cards. That didn't make a lot of sense to me, because I pretty much use oracle decks exactly like I use tarot decks. But I recently watched a really cool video about using oracle cards to create spreads and I got really excited to try it. And between that and my recent explorations with the Vibe Check deck, I've also been curious to try new things and stretch my concept of how these things work.

I have three decks that are basically just a lot of characters (well, and a few signposts for one of them): Wisdom of Avalon, Heart of Faerie, and the Faries' Oracles. I use them with tarot spreads and it works fine that way, but making a trip to visit the characters or places in the cards and try to talk to them or interact with their world might be better suited and help me get more out of these decks. I look forward to trying that soon.

 
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from Zeph's Bookish Rambles

I joined ADF (Ár nDraíocht Féin) for the first time back around 2010. I've lapsed and re-joined a few times since then and am a current member, but to be honest I always find it's not a good fit for me and I always wind up deciding it was a mistake. Nothing specific about it, I guess it just never really vibed for me.

I do know that one of the bigger problems I had was the meditation requirement. I just couldn't get into sitting still and counting my breath every day, and I didn't really see the point. They have something called a Two Powers meditation, and that was better, but...then what? I'd be like “ok, chill, I feel the two powers, love it, I'm a tree, cool...has it been 20 minutes yet?”

In one of my classes at school we would spend a few minutes meditating at the start of every day to “let our brains catch up with our bodies” and I hated that because I didn't know what my brain was supposed to do to catch up to my body. It's just...there. I talked to a classmate about my frustration and said I understood it was a metaphor but my brain doesn't really need to catch up and I'd just sit there waiting for everyone else.

Eventually I realized that this is likely an autism and dissociation thing. It's not that my brain was already there, it's that my mind never feels like it's a part of my body, it's always floating a few feet above me and kind of observing. So meditation for me would require some much more intentional work to get my consciousness to feel more embodied. I started doing a lot of guided meditations focused on feeling every part of my body from the head down to the toes. It helped a lot.

It's also helped me take advantage of ease with which my mind dissociates from my body and my tendency to imagine complex and beautiful worlds for it to live in since it's never really liked this one. Now that I understand that's not how consciousness typically works and have gotten a bit more control of it, I can switch back and forth with some effort. So I enjoy doing meditations that involve visualization and journeying through the inner world, and then taking a few minutes to feel my body again when I'm ready or when I'm having trouble with anxiety or focus at work.

I realized the core of meditation, for me, is really about understanding what your mind does naturally so that you can develop a strategy and try different methods to get it to do what you want it to do. So there's not going to be a one-size-fits-all approach since all our minds work so differently. My partner can't visualize things at all, so he'd never be able to do the journeying stuff I enjoy so much, but he can sit and breathe for soooooo long.

(Honestly, I'm getting a little better at that, but it's definitely not my favorite.)

One of the things that helped me was finally joining OBOD, another modern druidry group. I'd avoided it for quite awhile because it's far away whereas I've always had ADF groves fairly close to me, even if I never actually went to them. But since I don't actually go and ADF clearly hadn't been working for me, I gave it a try and have been working through the Bardic course they offer. I love it! I've been learning a lot and making a lot of progress with my meditation practice.

I can't really share details, but for meditation specifically, the former chief Philip Carr-Gomm does “tea with a druid” videos on youtube that end with guided visual meditations I find really useful. They do mesh very well with both the meditations from the course and my own inner landscape, but I think they'd also be very good on their own. So that might be a good starting point for someone looking to incorporate inner world journeying into their own spiritual practices.

I want to talk more about my inner world map and what I do there, but I've also just realized the intro to this post is a full post on its own. So I'll do that as a separate entry and post it soon. In particular, I'll eventually get to this post and give some more background on how I use these cards. But I also have some other non-card-related meditations and I'm excited to talk about all of it. Soon!

 
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from Zeph's Bookish Rambles

The TarotTube topic/hashtag I wrote about awhile back got a sequel, which reminded me I never came back to do the second half of the first one. So now I have even more prompts and this will probably be two more posts after this one. Woooooo.

The idea here is there are a bunch of dichotomies and you pick a deck in your collection for each.

Confronting vs Comforting

My confronting deck is the Arthur Rackham Oracle. It was the deck I worked with for my daily readings in September and it was just calling me tf out every single day. It's a beautiful deck featuring fairy tale/fantasy art and I love it to pieces. A lot of oracles kind of err on the side of positivity, and I was kind of pleasantly surprised by how many cards in this lean neutral to negative. Lots of opportunity to dig deep and work on things that needed attention.

On the other side, my comforting deck is Heart of Faerie Oracle. This is my “mom” deck, and I get it out when I need a hug. I think this might actually be the only deck I've ever pre-ordered (not counting Kickstarters). The Faeries' Oracle was one of my first and still a favorite deck, so even though the style seemed very different I was really excited for another Froud deck. And it is very, very different. But it still has that same approach to faerie that makes the world around me feel magical and hopeful.

Every Day Vs Every So Often

I struggled with this one a bit. There isn't actually any deck I use every day, what I do instead is pick a new deck for my daily readings every month. So at most it would be every day for awhile.

I decided to rework it and talk about one that is pretty much always appropriate to pull from and one that is very limited in use/scope. For both of those, I'm not talking about a published deck but one I put together myself! A couple months ago I had the idea to make some decks using old trading cards my (deceased) aunt would have liked and I wound up making a lot of them.

A good every day deck is my Vintage Disney Oracle. I didn't add anything to these cards or assign them to any existing system, just selected cards as they are. Each one has a still from an animated short film and a quote or plot note underneath. It makes for a good quick one-card draw when I just want to break up the day with something cute and fun.

Then I used some vintage Coca-Cola cards and made my own oracle I call Late Stage Capitalism. I picked out all the cards from this set that were the most horrifying to me and that I didn't want to include in the other decks I'd made from it. Then I wrote titles on each card, mostly words that are kind of ironically positive, like things my parents would probably think are good values but make me feel squicky. Examples are “Choices” for a card boasting you can have regular or giant soda bottles, “Trust Me” for one with a Coca-Cola logo force-feeding the globe a bottle of coke, or “Empire” for one that shows all the Mount Rushmore figures drinking Diet Coke.

It's a very gallows-humor sort of deck and I use it when I'm stressed about work or money things. Or sometimes just the need to interact with society. It'd be a real downer to use regularly, but it's pretty good for making me laugh when I already feel like crying.

Over-rated vs Under-rated

I'm approaching this one a little differently, too. I don't think any of my decks are actually over-rated because I think they're all great. But I do have one that I took for granted and that has taught me some valuable lessons on both sides of this.

The Celtic Dragon Tarot was one of my first decks. I loved it soooo much. I used it to read for friends even though I was brand new to tarot because the illustrations are so intuitive there wasn't really any need to have the meanings memorized. And there's dragons! So many dragons.

I lost my tarot decks when I went back to my parents' house for the summer. Luckily, my collection was only 3 decks at that time (all the ones my local Sam Goody carried!) and I learned my lesson not to start collecting again until I actually finished school and moved out. So when that finally happened and I wanted to start by getting my old decks, one was out of print and the Celtic Dragon had changed its card stock. I'd been thinking about that card stock for years. The texture was so specific, smooth and cool to the touch and flexible without feeling fragile.

The new deck I bought was nothing like it. And it made me so sad any time I tried to use it because even though it was still beautiful, it wasn't the deck I remembered. I felt so guilty for letting that first deck go and devastated that I might never feel those cards again. I found the original version on ebay recently and bought it. And it feels so great! Just like I remember. Now that I know more about cards and have seen a lot to compare them, I can see that the new ones are actually an improvement in basically every way. But I don't care, I missed these cards and I have them again!

For right now, I'm keeping both. The difference in texture gives them completely different vibes and I colored the edges differently to match those vibes. They both stay in the same bag, and they remind me to take better care of the things I value but also not to get too hung up on the way things used to be. I think I'll probably pass one of them on at some point, but I'm not there yet.

Light Work vs Shadow Work

The decks that made the most sense to me for this are another kind of matched set of oracles I made. In this case, they're both standard playing card decks. I assigned symbols for each card and wrote the titles in sharpie, sometimes with very simple illustrations or written in a way that the word itself is an illustration.

I won't get into the specific titles or descriptions because they're both connected to meditation/journey work I do and are very specific and private to me. But in general, the first one (light work) is based on fairy tales, Ghibli films, and similar kid-friendly stories about interacting with spiritual realms. The other (shadow work) is a chthonic deck inspired by myths of Dionysus, Persephone, Hekate, and Loki.

 
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from Zeph's Bookish Rambles

Before I met my partner, he went through a phrase where he was really into astrology, which he now does not believe in at all. I think he's probably a little embarrassed about it, but he'll still talk about it pretty openly. Everyone goes through a process of learning about the world and deciding how to learn it.

I never got into astrology because I don't actually know what time I was born beyond early morning and my mom hates answering questions. So I was always kinda sad I couldn't do one because it wouldn't be “accurate.”

Today I finally realized that was some serious nonsense. I don't believe in astrology, I don't think it's magic and your personality is predetermined like that. I treat it like tarot, the way you respond to whatever you find is the most important part of the process. The cards themselves are arbitrary, sometimes they fit and sometimes you have to stretch to make them fit, and I've learned way more from disagreeing with texts and cards and teachers than I ever have from just memorizing answers.

So it doesn't really matter what my star chart looks like or whether I got the time right, and therefore it doesn't much matter what time I was actually born. To me, with apologies if you believe astrology is actually very accurate and precise and must be followed to the letter.

I do know from when my mom had to answer questions for a class assignment that I was born pretty early in the morning, so I decided on a time that felt right in that range (and then later learned there's a pretty long gap in the categories that matter and therefore I had a good enough idea anyway) and told my partner I was gonna do my chart. And also that I was jealous I could never do mine, which I had apparently never said before because he would have told me that it's not that precise, but whatever.

We still have the astrology book he learned from and told me about very soon after we started dating. “The Only Astrology Book You'll Ever Need” by Joanna Martine Woolfolk. So I grabbed it and started going through it, but I was getting confused so he helped me out step by step and now I have a chart! And some very basic notes on what each house represents.

There's so much information I didn't know astrology included, it was a lot of fun. I'm looking forward to actually digging into the book on my own and learning more about what all of this brand new shiny information is supposed to mean for me and deciding how I feel about it.

And then go back and listen to “Written in the Stars” by Alexandria Bellefleur again. That was one of my books from last year and it was so good. There's a lot of references to astrology that aren't really important to understand and enjoy the book, but might be more fun when I have a better idea what the main character is talking about. And then the other two books in the series!

It's also officially time for my Grady Hendrix book of the year. I haven't read “We Sold Our Souls” yet even though I've had it for a few years and I have read all his other books in my collection, so I guess it's finally time! (It's not like I haven't wanted to read it, I just always wanted to read another one more.)

Yay October!

 
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from Zeph's Bookish Rambles

Things that I've been reading/watching/listening to lately and have too much to say for a mastodon post but too little to say to talk about them on their own blog post.

Do Revenge

I listened to the Netflix suggestion immediately for a change, and I'm glad I did. This was so much fun and just a little cringe at times but overall very worth it.

Camila Mendes and Maya Hawke are both incredible and their characters are horrifically delightful and I want all the best for these awful, awful people. Also Sarah Michelle Gellar is in this and she's just GAH. I don't even have words, I just love her so much.

The cringe is mostly the way “woke” words are used, but I think even that is more because it's overlapping with other things I've seen recently. I love She-Hulk and I thought The Craft: Legacy was great, seeing girl-centric with all the focus on relationships and personal power makes me really happy. And the occasional nod to real-world patriarchal bullshit is nice and cathartic. But at a certain point it just feels obligatory and hollow and takes too much focus away from the feminine joy and power I want to see.

In this movie it's only ever used ironically. The cishet white boy villain uses performative wokeness as a weapon, the Latina main character only ever mentions that she's a woman of color (her words) when she's reminding people how bad it looks for them to target her. It's really gross. And I can't tell if it's supposed to be gross or if someone thought we needed this. Or whether it's supposed to be that they're handling it badly or that the writers think this is what social justice looks like.

Or maybe it's just what they think teenagers look like, regardless of what they're doing. It does have a general vibe of teens being awful because learning compassion takes time and experience and trauma, so maybe misusing this language is more of the same. I don't know, I don't get it, but I still really like the movie and it's only ever a few moments at a time.

Definitely worth a watch, and if you do let me know what you think please.

Cobra Kai

I can't anymore and that makes me sad.

I watched the first episode of the new season and I've liked this show a lot but it just keeps trying to ramp up the stakes and drama and I really need some fluff. Why can't it just be a fun show about kids learning karate and being friends?

Bloodthirst Hearts

This is a podcast/radio drama about a group of former close friends at a convention where there is also an actual embodiment of the monster from the series they're celebrating. I'm only a few episodes in but I love it so far. Friendship, fandom, and monsters! Yay!

Hocus Pocus Tarot

Does this count as media? Whatever, it's related to a movie, I'm counting it.

It's such a cute deck. But more than that, it's a really good deck and useful for thinking and learning about tarot. What drew me to tarot in the first place was the idea that all these archetypes match so well to so many stories, that we all go through these cycles and live these symbols over and over again. That made sense for the majors but I had difficulty with the minor arcana until someone explained to me that each of the suits is also telling their own story that you can follow from card to card.

And that sounds great but can be hard to see when you're just looking at individual cars, especially pip cards without a clear scene illustrating the ideas they represent. I worried about that with this deck since it is a pip deck, but I didn't need to worry.

I do recommend reading through the entire guide book before starting to play with the deck. All of the cards are shown in the book, so you can read the descriptions and follow the story they tell and then on each page look at the card next to its description to get an idea of why it was chosen and make that connection with the card.

It turns out that even if you're just looking at a number of candles, the candles are drawn differently on each card, you can see shadows or note the style and bring to mind what that represents in the larger story. I haven't needed to check the book since that first reading, and I think this is my new go-to recommendation for someone who wants to get started reading tarot.

What else am I doing?

I've kept up the daily tarot draw. Working from home makes this habit a lot easier to build since I don't have to depend on getting up early setting aside time for it. I just keep the deck at my work desk so while I'm waiting for my computer to boot up I can shuffle yesterday's card back into it and draw the new one. I display it right between my monitors so I'm looking at it all day long and it's working really well so far.

I also started a journaling practice so at the end of the day I can reflect on the card and what I think I need to learn from it. For awhile I'd been considering this but was trying to decide if I should start a new blog for it even though that caused some anxiety.

It took me an embarrassingly long time to realize that doing very personal journaling online is actually terrible for me and probably part of why I'd abandoned various spiritual practices in the past decade or so. So now I'm journaling offline again, still with a computer because writing by hand hurts my hands and also results in entries I can't read, but just for myself. Much better solution.

I'm reading actual books again, too, just slowly. After watching a documentary about tree communication networks (“Intelligent Trees,” absolutely worth a watch) and being completely fascinated, I found a couple of books on the subject and I'm super excited about them. Suzanne Simard's “Finding the Mother Tree” is first and I'm not very far in it yet, but I'm enjoying it and expect to keep reading.

I've also been listening to Kiki's Delivery Service when I need a narrative to follow to keep my mind focused at work. That hasn't been so much of a problem lately so it's going slow, I've still got about an hour left in the book after several months. But I do want to save it for when I need it since I know it works so well, so that might take awhile.

Any thoughts or recommendations? Let me know!

 
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